We peacefully protested the Trump regime’s illegal executive orders, terrifying tariffs, imprisonment of people without due process, and gutting of federal services we depend on.

People gathered in 1,300 small towns and big cities across the United States, U.S. territories and abroad.

• 100,000 people in D.C.
• 7,000 in Nevada
• 100,000 in Boston
• 30,000 in Atlanta

And countless others gathered in places like Dubuque, Iowa; Helena, Montana; Topeka, Kansas; Louisville, Kentucky; and Amarillo, Texas; as well as in London, Paris, Lisbon, Berlin and Canada.

Our message was clear: “HANDS OFF!” Hands off our veterans. Hands off our schools. Hands off our national parks, our social security, our private data, our bodies, our health care, our retirement, our First Amendment, our civil rights …

The list goes on.

We chanted, “Hey hey! Ho ho! Donald Trump has got to go!”

When the chants around me died down, I yelled: “Tell me what democracy looks like!” and the crowd yelled back, “THIS is what democracy looks like!”

Many people carried creative signs. Here are some of my favorites from around the country:

• “But wasn’t it born the Gulf of Mexico?”
• “Stop Truth Decay!”
• “Too Much Rage for One Sign”
• “Thanks Trump. You turned me into an activist”
• “Hate Doesn’t Make America Great”

And lots and lots of signs that simply said, “Fuck Musk.”

Here in Vegas, my friend dressed as Elvis and held a sign that said, “America already has a King, baby!”

Why I Protested

I made a two-sided sign with an American flag flying above it. On one side it said, “Liberty and Justice for ALL.”

On the other side it said, “VETERANS DESERVE BETTER.”

I’m a military brat. My father served in the Army. I grew up moving to wherever Dad got stationed — 11 moves during my childhood. Military families serve this country too.

So I’m passionate about veterans rights and by extension, military families. If we ask someone to put their life on the line like my father did in Vietnam … if we ask someone to dedicate their life to military service like my father did for almost 20 years … if we ask a family to worry about their soldier’s safety and uproot themselves every two years like we did … the least we can do is keep our promise to veterans.

There were two protests here in Vegas on April 5. We attended the one downtown with about one thousand other people. We slowly walked a 1-mile loop past local businesses, restaurants, apartments, and vacationing tourists.

We got lots of enthusiastic honks from passing cars. Lots of fists raised in solidarity out car windows. One guy in a Tesla pulled over and shouted, “Thank you for doing this! I’m sorry about my car! I bought it before he went crazy!”

We all laughed and waved at him. One old lady shouted back, “It’s okay, honey!”

Two young Latina women wore their birth country’s flags as capes. One held a sign that said, “Why would you piss of the ‘Toxic Latinas?!’”

An old guy in a Semper Fi hat tapped me on the shoulder. “Thank you for your sign,” he said. I squeezed his arm and said, “Thank you for your service.”

The vibe was beautiful. Energizing. Hopeful. It felt good to be with people.

Planting Seeds of Hope

Whenever I saw a pickup truck, I flipped my sign to the “VETERANS DESERVE BETTER” side and held it out toward the truck. Not to be inflammatory. I did it because I hoped that on this issue they’d agree with me.

And if we can agree on one issue, maybe there’s hope we’ll come together on other issues as well.

At one point a gold Ford 350 rolled up, stuck in traffic, waiting for the light to change.

The driver, a man, stared straight ahead, hands on the wheel, ignoring us. His passenger, a woman, leaned around him to read my sign. Then she started yelling. I could barely hear her over the chanting and honking. I think she said, “You don’t love your country!”

I wanted to yell back, “I wouldn’t be out here if I didn’t love my country!”

Instead, as march organizers instructed us, I did not engage. I stood calmly and quietly. I touched the camouflage Army hat on my head, my father’s, with his rank star pinned to the front.

She kept yelling. I kept standing. And then, for reasons I cannot explain, I placed my hand over my heart. She stopped yelling and placed her hand over her heart. I nodded at her. She nodded back. The truck drove away.

I doubt I changed her mind. But maybe, just maybe, I planted a seed.

Why Haven’t We Heard More?

My story of the April 5 protest is one of at least 3 million stories from that day.

I wanted you to hear it because you might not otherwise.

Traditional media ignores — or discounts — peaceful protests. I hate to sound like MAGA, but we can’t trust legacy media’s coverage — of protests, anyway.

In my years of activism I’ve noticed mainstream media tend to downplay how many people attend a protest — unless there’s violence. Peaceful protests, following in the footsteps of civil rights movements, get little coverage.

I’ll give you three examples and then explain why protesting is important.

2004 March for Women in D.C.

In 2004 my husband, Mike, and I joined friends in D.C. for the Women’s March. It was the largest march in the history of the United States at the time. Our home paper back in California didn’t even mention the march. Big media like the Washington Post said that “hundreds of thousands of people converged on the Mall.” Try 1 million people, bitch!

2025 Bernie Sanders’ Fight Oligarchy in North Las Vegas

Last month we went to Bernie Sanders’ “Fight Oligarchy” tour stop in North Las Vegas. People were packed into the park like sardines in a can. One local media outlet said there were “100s of people.” Try 3,000, bitch!

2025 Hands Off! protest in downtown Las Vegas

The day after the nationwide protests April 5^th, my local newspaper said, “hundreds gathered” in Las Vegas. Try 3,000, bitch! One of the local TV channels said, “dozens” of protests happened around the country. Try 1,300, bitch!

And media like The Hill said, “thousands protested” across the nation. Try 3 million, bitch!

And while we’re at it, hey Governor Lombardo, I heard your little speech about the protests. And no, we were not paid to be there. We showed up voluntarily BECAUSE WE ARE MAD AS HELL! Instead of calling Nevadans like me “stupid” and “ridiculous,” you could show a little respect to our service members, veterans, and their families.

Damn I’m pissed. Okay, okay. Take a breath, Dorothea. Stay focused.

[sigh breath]

Why Protesting Matters

Did you know people have been resisting since Trump took office in January by marching and protesting and boycotting and calling representatives and organizing meetups and attending town halls and fact-checking social media posts and writing and speaking and making political art?

Diverse people all across this great nation have been resisting in one form or another every fucking day for THREE FUCKING MONTHS.

Just because you don’t hear about it doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

Resisting matters. Protesting matters. Boycotting matters. Speaking out matters.

Why do you think this newsletter’s tagline is “Calm the fuck down so you can STAND the fuck up?”

BECAUSE IT MATTERS!

Resisting sends a message to ….

• the world that we vehemently disagree with the Trump regime;
• the people in power that we the people have the power;
• our community that we will not stand quietly by while our rights are taken away;
• politicians that we will not obey in advance;
• vulnerable people that we’re standing up for them; and
• people passing by that they are not alone.

As one Canadian posted, “We… need more from you all. Protest, vote, go out and do something! Otherwise, it is just hollow words.”

Prof. Barbara F. Walter, a modern civil wars expert and former CIA advisor, said in a recent MSNBC interview:

“I increasingly believe that the way forward has to come from the bottom up, that American citizens have to want and love and defend their democracy on their own. One of the things we also know from decades of really great scholarship is that protest and peaceful resistance works. … The second thing —we’re seeing this now in real time — is don’t voluntarily comply with orders that are illegal. Don’t help Donald Trump implement his agenda. … Don’t preemptively comply.”

And as my favorite historian, Heather Cox Richardson, said:

“The reason protesting matters, the reason speaking up matters, is because in our country the power of the government quite literally comes from us. Our Constitution literally begins, ‘We the People …’ When we demonstrate that the government doesn’t have the support of the people, that government is not legitimate. It is not legitimately expressing the will of the American people.”

Why am I harping on activism in a newsletter about resilience? Because action is the antidote to the anxiety and fear you feel.

Action = Antidote to Anxiety & Fear

Right now we don’t feel safe. That’s by design. The Trump regime wants us to feel overwhelmed and powerless. It wants us to give up without a fight. It wants to traumatize us into submission.

It turns out that taking action is good for your nervous system — and for our democracy.

What happens when we marinate in our fear and worry and despair and anger and anxiety?

Our nervous system gets amped up — AHHHHHHHHHH!

Or clamped down — uhhhhhhhh.

That’s dysregulation. What happens when we’re dysregulated? We can’t think clearly, strategically or critically.

And friends, now is not the time to turn your brain off!

So the first step in defending our democracy is defending your nervous system.

When you’re regulated, you’re in what I call the Window of Kindness. It’s a state of inner safety, or equanimity. From that place you can decide how to channel all that anger and despair in healthy, productive ways — not outward at loved ones, and not inward at yourself.

Let’s dive in!

Practices for Resilience — Defend Your Nervous System

Humans survived because our bodies evolved survival strategies, sometimes called stress responses. I call them the “4 F’s”: Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. (There’s a 5^th F — Faint, which is total collapse.)

In Fight or Flight, our body screams, “DO SOMETHING!”

In Freeze or Fawn, our body screams, “DON’T MOVE!”

Since I don’t know which response you’re stuck in right now, I’m going to give you one practice for each F. They take less than 5 minutes each, so try all of them and see which one makes you feel better. (Hint: It’ll be the OPPOSITE of what you feel like doing.)

Amped up in FIGHT?

Outrage is addicting. It’s exciting. It feels good. It makes us feel alive, like we’re actually doing something. Defensive outrage, though, is different than constructive rage.

Outrage is mindless reaction. Rage is focused action.

When we’re in Fight, sitting still and breathing quietly feels impossible. I get it. The following practice is active and a great way to release some of that pent-up energy.

Move Your Body

Get your heart rate up — any movement helps. Set a timer for 5 minutes and do one of these:

• Jump Up & Down — listen to an upbeat song with jumping jacks, jumping rope, jumping on a trampoline, jumping hoops, jumping over a pillow
• Pump Limbs — move the big muscles in your body with Dr. Zach Bush’s 4-minute workout (NODs)
• Shake it Out — do 8-Shakes with me and be sure to call out the numbers while you follow along. If you do this with a group of people you’ll end up laughing too, which is another way to calm your nervous system!

Freaked out in FLIGHT?

I myself default to Flight. In the past, I’d literally flee — get up and leave a conversation, break off a relationship, quit a job, or move to another state. It’s impulsive avoidance.

These days my Flight response manifests differently: I get antsy, make piles of clutter everywhere, find it hard to focus, spend hours reading and watching news and frantically copy-pasting passages so I feel like I’m doing something.

When we’re in Flight, sitting down and focusing on the task at hand feels impossible, suffocating even. I feel like I’m trapped and about to die. Maybe that’s why this newsletter started off 40 pages long and took weeks to write — I just couldn’t keep my mental shit together!

But as Rep. Jasmine Crockett said, “We can’t allow the distractions to get us lost in the sauce.”

The following practice helps you break through the resistance and is a great way to build back some focus.

Tackle a Tiny Task

1. Pick a thing that has to get done
2. Break the task down into sub-tasks you could do in 3 minutes or less
3. Set a timer for 3 minutes
4. Do the first tiny task on your list
5. Celebrate — dance to your favorite upbeat song, or try one of these:
   • Shake it Off (Taylor Swift)Uptown Funk (Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars) High Hopes (Panic at the Disco)
   *Don’t skip this step! We’re rewiring your brain to associate joy with taking small actions.

Clamped down in FREEZE?

When we’re in Freeze, everything feels hopeless. Getting off the couch feels physically impossible. There’s just no giddy in our giddy-up-and-go. Our body aches. Just thinking about moving exhausts us.

I get it. The stress is overwhelming, so you shut down. The following practice is a gentle way to get the blood and oxygen flowing to your brain again.

Swing into Action

If you have access to a swing set at your local park, swing for three minutes instead.

1. Stand up and make sure there’s enough space around you to swing your arms out
2. Set timer for 1 minute — twist at the waist, letting your arms swing around and slap your body until timer goes off
3. Set timer 1 minute — swing your arms up over your head and then back to your side until timer goes off
4. Set timer 1 minute — stick your butt out and bend your knees into a squat while swinging your arms to the floor, then stand up and swing your arms overhead until timer goes off. Pretend you’re flinging confetti!

People-pleasing in FAWN?

When we’re in Fawn, we find it hard to say no to others and tend to put others’ needs ahead of our own. We don’t like conflict. We don’t want to cause a scene or upset people, so we stay small and quiet. I get it.

We pay a price, though. We end up feeling ashamed for our silence, for not standing up for what we believe in, for not speaking up for ourselves. We feel disconnected. Disconnected from our bodies, our needs, and our truth. We may even struggle with chronic pain.

This practice activates the inner rage you might be suppressing, giving it a healthy outlet so you can start saying no. You have a right to be on your own side.

Say (Fuck) No

You’ll need a big pillow or yoga bolster for this, and some wall space (or a closed door) to lean against

1. Set a timer for 3 minutes
2. Rest your back against the wall and bend your knees as you slide down the wall into a sitting position. Sit down as low as you can go. Make sure you can see your toes in front of your knees. (When it feels too hard, slide up the wall an inch or two. When it feels too easier, slide down the wall an inch or two.)
3. Push yourself off the wall when the timer goes off
4. Set timer for 30 to 60 seconds
5. Stick your butt out behind you, bend your knees and squat down
6. Pick up the pillow/bolster off the floor and raise it over your head
7. Slam pillow/bolster into the ground and scream, “FUCK YOU!” (or “FUCK NO!”or “FUCK OFF!” or just plain “NO!”)

BONUS! For all 4 Fs (aka, for everyone)

In all of the 4 Fs, the feeling we think we’re feeling is actually masking a feeling beneath it. A feeling that is so uncomfortable we default to the easier (for us) feeling.

Here’s my best guess at what’s beneath each of the survival responses:

Fight = Anger — covers up Sorrow &/or Fear &/or Shame

Flight = Fear — covers up Joy (yep, some of us are terrified of joy) &/or Shame

Freeze = Sorrow — covers up Fear &/or Anger &/or Shame

Fawn = Joy – covers up Anger &/or Fear &/or Shame

That’s a whole lotta shame! See what comes up for you when you do this practice.

Embody Your Feelings

You’ll need privacy for this, so find a time when no one’s home or go into a room and close the door. Wear headphones if you can.

1. Play this song: The Silence (Manchester Orchestra)
2. Move your body to the music in whatever way it wants to move. Follow your body’s impulses.
3. Allow the feelings to bubble up to the surface. If you feel the urge to cry, let yourself cry. If you want to kick and scream, let yourself.
4. When the song ends, take a moment to reflect on what came up for you. Just notice — no judgment needed. We’re practicing getting in touch with our emotions hidden beneath the surface so they don’t run our lives.
   • Did you discover an emotion you weren’t expecting?
   • Did you feel silly and self-conscious?
   • Did you feel like crying?
   • Did you feel like punching the wall?
   • Did you feel nothing at all?

Activism for Resilience — Defend Your Democracy

The Trump regime wants us to feel traumatized and afraid. Powerless and hopeless.

What happens if we resist the Trump regime’s campaign of trauma? If we stand up to the people in power and remind them power comes from the people?

We build our own resilience. We build our collective resilience.

As Sen. Raphael Warnock (D–GA) told Stephen Colbert on the Late Night show:

“There are those who are trying to weaponize despair. They’re flooding the zone and they’re hoping you won’t fight. You need to prove them wrong.”

The following activism practices not only defend our democracy, they defend your nervous system too. I suggest you do both of these practices no matter which “F” you default to. They work well together.

Fill the Streets with Your Voice and Body

Protest! Protest! Protest!

Hopefully I’ve convinced you that protesting matters. Here’s my final appeal:

• The insults we’re getting from MAGA politicians show it’s working!
• The 71% drop in Tesla’s profits shows it’s working!
• The coverage we’re getting from international media shows it’s working!
• The Red State folks joining us shows it’s working!

So get out in the streets, people!

If you’re a Freezer or Fawner and you’ve been sitting on the sidelines, it’s time you get involved. Do the charging up practice I gave you, and then attend a public event. You’ll feel engaged and connected.

The next national day of action is May Day — May 1st.

Check out these links for other upcoming rallies, town halls and protests in your area. If you don’t see one in your town, Indivisible will help you set one up.

• Indivisible
• Tesla Takedown
• 50501
• Mobilize
• Hands Off!
• Red, Wine & Blue (for ladies)

The movement is still coalescing, so if you don’t find something in your area at one of the above links, look at the other ones. Weekly events are happening in most cities across the nation.

Join Veterans’ D-Day Protest — June 6th

If you’re a veteran, veteran’s family, or care about veterans, join veterans for the D-Day Anniversary protest June 6th. Our veterans didn’t fight fascism abroad just to watch our country succumb to fascism. We need to hear from veterans — and so do active duty service members.

Send the Government Some Gratitude

Listen, we’ve all complained about the bureaucracy at one time or another. It’s true it could use some overhauling. But co-president Musk’s chaotic and cruel gutting of our federal programs is NOT the answer.

The practice below will help us remember all the ways the pre-Trump government made our lives better. And how we took it for granted when it worked, and why we’re fighting for it now.

Plus, feeling gratitude calms our nervous system and connects us to something greater than ourselves. It’s a win-win!

Write a thank you letter to the Federal Government
People need to hear how the government — when functioning as intended — improves our lives.

1) Think of all the feds have done for you throughout your life:

• clean air
• drinkable water
• advances in medicine
• consumer protection
• public lands and national parks
• social security
• food inspection and safety
• college financial aid
• public libraries and museums
• veterans benefits
• bridge and road infrastructure
• transportation safety
• job creation and training
• Medicaid for hospice care
• national defense
• natural disaster aid
• etc., etc., etc.

2) Write a “Dear Federal Government” love letter and list all the ways you personally have benefited from government services.

3) Notice what emotions come up while you’re writing — love, appreciation, grief, anger? Where in your body do you feel those emotions — your throat, chest, belly?

4) Share your letter far and wide!

• Post it to social media.
• Send it to your local newspaper as a letter to the editor.
• Publish it on your blog.
• Submit it to a local magazine.
• Send it to your state legislators, representatives and senators.

If you’re a Fighter or Flighter and you’ve been out in the streets already, keep it up! Also do the calming down practice I gave you, and then write this thank you letter. You’ll feel more peaceful and focused. You’ll reconnect with why you’re out there protesting.

To Wrap Up …

The national April 5th protests energized the public. Two weeks later, we gathered for another national protest on April 19. That time people from small towns and rural areas in Red States joined us.

Momentum is building. And we’re just getting started.

As The Guardian’s investigative journalist Carole Cadwalladr said:

“They want us to feel powerless. That’s the plan. We have more power than we think. … We can’t win every battle. But we definitely won’t win if we don’t fight.”

Until next time …. I’ll be fighting right alongside you.

The post Defend Your Nervous System & Your Democracy appeared first on Dorothea Deley.

FREE online TRE® class on March 8 at 11am PT. Register now to reserve your spot (class size limited).

I began playing piano at age 9. Five years later I could play Beethoven’s Sonata Pathétique from memory.

When I was 14, I studied piano with a renowned University of Nevada-Las Vegas music professor. She only took students by audition. One Canadian boy named Henri spent winters in Vegas just to study with her.

Once a week my mother drove me to the UNLV campus, a few blocks east of the Las Vegas Strip. Instead of waiting the hour of my piano lesson (she hated being inconvenienced), mom dropped me off and drove home.

After my lesson, I’d stand outside, alone in the dark night, waiting nervously for my taxicab. When it arrived, I’d get into the back seat and hug my music books to my chest.

During those cab rides home, I felt trapped and terrified.

Sometimes the driver — always a man — made friendly small talk. Other times he leered at me in the rear view mirror, complimenting my eyes or asking me personal questions like, “Do you have a boyfriend?” or “Have you kissed a boy yet?”

One driver delighted in scaring me.

He drove 90 mph on surface streets, zig-zagging between cars. Every time we sped up to an intersection, I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed.

“A yellow light!” he yelled, and hit the gas pedal just as it turned red.

When I started crying, he laughed. “Don’t be a crybaby. I’m gonna get you there in record time!”

I loved playing the piano.

I loved my piano teacher.

I hated those taxi rides.

After a few months I quit piano lessons and stopped playing the piano.

Listening to the latest news from the White House, I feel like my frightened 14-year-old self again. Trapped in the back of a speeding taxi driven by a dangerous, insensitive man.

Proving his power by scaring a child he’s supposed to be stewarding safely home.

Trapped in T2.0 Taxi

I’m not the only one who feels trapped in a speeding taxi right now.

My friend Marjorie can’t stop thinking about Trump 2.0 (T2.0). She can’t stop reading the news, listening to podcasts, watching pundit interviews and late-night host monologues.

Marjorie can’t focus on her work or tend to her relationships. She can’t eat or sleep. She wakes up most nights ruminating about T2.0.

She can’t stop talking about it, either. She dominates every conversation with the latest T2.0 news.

Spending time with Manic Marjorie right now feels exhausting.

My other friend Annie chooses to avoid it all instead. “It’s too much,” she says. “I can’t deal with it.”

She won’t watch the news. She won’t talk about it. When the ambient T2.0 anxiety of overwhelms her, she takes a nap.

Spending time with Avoidant Annie right now feels sad.

I don’t blame either friend for their reaction. Truth be told, sometimes I’m Manic Majorie and other times I’m Avoidant Annie.

Whether we voted for Trump or not, our brains — like our government databases — have been hacked.

We’re all running the T2.0 operating system now.

That, my friends, is by design.

Flooding the (Nervous System) Zone

Trauma psychologist Stephen Porges developed Polyvagal Theory, a framework for understanding how our nervous system evolved — and how to regulate it.

Dr. Porges said:

“If you want to improve the world, start by making people feel safer.”

Contrast that with this quote from Russell Vought, current director of Trump’s Office of Management and Budget:

“We want the bureaucrats to be traumatically affected. When they wake up in the morning we want them to not want to go to work because they are increasingly viewed as the villians. … We want to put them in trauma.”

And this quote from former Trump adviser Steve Bannon:

“All we have to do is flood the zone. Flood the zone at muzzle-velocity. Hit. Hit. Hit. … Every day we hit them with three things. They’ll bite on one and we’ll get all of our stuff done.”

From my vantage point as a trauma specialist, it looks like T2.0 wants to flood the world’s nervous system with chaos and fear — the literal opposite of safety.

As Vought said above, the plan is to cause trauma.

Terrorist organizations use these same tactics. They’re meant to overwhelm us into anxiety and panic (Manic Marjorie) — or despair and shut-down (Avoidant Annie).

When we’re dysregulated like that, our brain’s prefrontal cortex goes offline. We cannot:

• think critically,
• plan strategically,
• make good decisions, or
• take action.

We are, in essence, easier to control and manipulate.

As political historian Heather Cox Richardson explains:

“When we think about the rise of authoritarianism, the idea is to create such confusion and such insecurity among the people that they don’t really know … or understand what’s going on.”

That’s the whole point. When people in power use our own nervous systems against us, they render us helpless to fight back.

My friends Marjorie and Annie prove T2.0’s “trauma flooding” plan is working.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. As New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said:

“If you are watching the news right now, and you are feeling overwhelmed … the first order of business is to self-regulate. … It’s important for you to understand that the paralysis and shock that you feel right now is the point. They are trying to induce a state of passivity among the general public. It is of personal importance for you and it is also of political importance to take a breath. That does not mean tune out. That does not mean get apathetic. It means to take a breath first because we are about to lock in and focus.”

Everyone Suffers (except the wealthy)

Now take my friends’ traumatic reactions and multiply it by the millions of Americans affected by Trump’s actions already ….

• Adults who were adopted as infants but born elsewhere worried about being deported to a country they don’t even remember.
• Parents worried about losing accommodations at school for their disabled children.
• Women worried about miscarrying a wanted child and then dying when hospitals refuse to follow miscarriage medical procedures.
• Families worried about losing their ACA and/or Medicaid health insurance.
• Christian congregations and pastors worried about losing funding for their social service programs because they’re not the “right” kind of Christians.
• National Nuclear Security workers — of which my father was one — worried about the nation’s safety.
• Military officers and soldiers worried they’ll be ordered to kill American civilians exercising their First Amendment rights.
• Women who changed their last names when they married worried about losing their right to vote. (Yep, that’s real).
• American taxpayers worried about their social security numbers, bank accounts, income data, and health info falling into the wrong hands. (It already has.)
• Military Veterans worried about losing their VA benefits and federal jobs as they watch fellow vets forced out.
• Farmers worried about losing farms without USAID contracts and ranchers worried about losing livestock to bird flu without CDC support.
• And here’s a personal worry of mine — will my 85-year-old mother still be able to collect her Social Security and my father’s military pension? Will she still get Medicare benefits? Will she be able to afford her life-saving prescriptions?

The list goes on, but I’ll stop there. It’s traumatic enough just reading the above, isn’t it?

No matter where we are on the political spectrum, we’re all targets for this campaign of trauma.

And who do you think benefits from it? The wealthy. (More on that in later newsletters.)

So ….. what the F can we do about all this?

Grounded Grace

I have another friend, Grace.

She’s calm, centered and positive. She’s smart and analytical. She’s self-aware. When we’re together she’s present and focused. Grace listens to me and shares her insights. She’s supportive and funny.

Yes, we talk about what’s happening politically — calmly and thoughtfully. We also talk about what’s happening in our lives (she’s trying to get pregnant, I’m trying to reset boundaries with two family members).

Of my three friends, Grace faces the most danger from T2.0. She’s targeted in at least three ways as a nonbinary person who works in science.

Spending time with Grounded Grace feels wonderful. Energizing. Uplifting.

Resist with Revolutionary Resilience

We don’t yet know if T2.0’s hostile takeover of the government will succeed. Focus instead on what you do know: Has T2.0’s hostile takeover of your nervous system succeeded?

I find it helps to understand our behavior if we understand the evolutionary physiology behind it. Let’s use my three friends as examples.

Manic Majorie reacts to T2.0 with a Fight-or-Flight survival response. Her hyperaroused nervous system responds as if she needs to defend herself or run away from a saber-toothed tiger.

• Adrenalin and cortisol flood her body, making her:
  • speak loudly and rapidly
  • interrupt others
  • pace around and/or gesticulate wildly
• Her heart and respiration rate go up, diverting oxygen and blood to her muscles, making her:
  • feel antsy, anxious and panicky
  • feel angry and irritable
  • act impulsively
• Oxygen and blood get diverted away from her rest-and-digest systems, making her:
  • unable to eat
  • unable to sleep
• Her prefrontal cortex goes offline, making her:
  • unable to listen to others or engage in conversation
  • unable to think clearly or make decisions
  • unable to focus with her racing, easily distracted mind

Avoidant Annie chooses to focus on nothing T2.0 at all. She’s in her Freeze-or-Fawn survival response. Her hypoaroused nervous system responds as if she needs to play nice or play dead with a saber-toothed tiger.

• Dampening neurochemicals flood her body, making her:
  • speak quietly and slowly  
  • defer to others in conversation
  • move very little; make few facial expressions
• Her heart and respiration rate go down, making her:
  • feel tired, dizzy, faint
  • feel numb, shutdown, depressed, hopeless and disconnected
  • unable to take any action
• Oxygen and blood get diverted to her rest-and-digest systems, making her:
  • sleepy
  • hungry
• Her prefrontal cortex goes offline, making her:
  • unable to listen to others or focus on the conversation
  • unable to think clearly or make decisions
  • unable to engage in the world around her

Dysregulated states like Marjorie’s Fight-or-Flight and Annie’s Freeze-or-Fawn are meant to be temporary. I think of it this way:

DANGER!

REACT!

RELAX…

In the modern world — and especially right now under T2.0 — we tend to stay stuck in the Threat-React cycle above:

DANGER!

REACT!

DANGER!

REACT!

All. Day. Long.

That’s exhausting! And painful. So we numb or distract ourselves to escape that stressful feeling.

That escapism is called “self-medicating.” It’s our way of trying to make ourselves feel safe. Here are common ways we self-medicate:

• Addictions — drugs/alcohol/food/obsessive exercise/doomscrolling/etc.
• Overachieving — always busy, push ourselves beyond our limits, perfectionism
• Underachieving — procrastination is the flip side of perfectionism
• People-pleasing — repressing our own needs/feelings so we can take care of others people

Grounded Grace, on the other hand, practices regulating her nervous system. She spends time in what I call the Window of Kindness — the middle ground between too much energy and and not enough energy.

That gives her the emotional, mental and physical bandwidth to focus on a few of T2.0 things. She chooses the ones she cares the most about, and then decides how best to stand up for those. Meanwhile she tends to her health, her relationships and her job.

Grace’s resilient approach fulfills three fundamental human needs:

• a sense of purpose and meaning,
• a sense of belonging, and
• a sense of personal agency.

Since other people’s nervous systems affect ours, we need more calm and thoughtful people like Grace for the rough road ahead. Practicing emotional regulation is courageous — and contagious!

As New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s says:

“I’m not going to give them my fear. … This is like a monster that feeds on our terror. They eat fear. They sustain themselves on anxiety. I’m not going to give them that. I care about other people. I care about my communities. These people need cynicism. They need apathy. They need chaos. The more we give them that, the bigger they get.”

TRAUMA TIP: Resist with Revolutionary Resilience

In my TRE® classes, I say, “The slower you go, the faster you get there.” The same holds true outside of class.

When we pause and tune inward, we de-clutter our mind and relax our body — that’s emotional sobriety, and it’s the first step to take back our nervous system from T2.0.

I’ll share more resiliency practices and direct actions you can take in the coming weeks. For now, here are a few resilience-building suggestions to tide you over.

Instead of reacting unconsciously, notice your reactions (without judgment):

• Are you reacting like Manic Marjorie?
• Are you reacting like Avoidant Annie?
• Are you reacting like Grounded Grace?

Instead of looking at the news, do one of these:

• Dance it out with a protest song:
  • Hostile Government Takeover
• Relax with soothing piano music:
  • 4 Original Songs
  • 8 Original Songs
• Watch an inspiring interview:
  • Humor as an act of resistance w/ALOK
• Go slow and let go with a song:
  • Count to 10
• Laugh with a funny video:
  • Playing basketball with dogs
  • Brooklyn Butt Workout (my friend Darren in red crop-top)
  • Rent a Tall White Guy — my sketch comedy group
  • Line Dancing — don’t ever assume you’re powerless!

Instead of stressing out, take care of your basic needs:

• Sleep — put away screens an hour before bedtime; read a novel!
• Eat healthy — keep your blood sugar steady with regular mealtimes and whole grains/fruits/veggies/lean proteins/healthy fats
• Exercise — move your body every day; a 10-minute power walk helps
• Connect socially — spend quality time with friends and loved ones talking about something other than T2.0

Instead of bowing to self-proclaimed kings, bow only to yourself:

Remind yourself you’re in charge of your own nervous system (and mind). Every time you pass a mirror do this:

• pause and smile at your reflection
• say “M’Lady” or “M’Lord
• curtsy or bow to your reflection

In Closing . . .

While T2.0 feels a lot like being trapped in a speeding taxi, I’m not 14 anymore. I’m not helpless. I’m empowered. You are too.

I’ll be here to support you through these tumultuous times. On March 8 at 11am PT, I’m hosting a FREE online Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE®) class to help you regulate for resilience. Register soon — space is limited.

Until then, Stay Grounded!

Just remember — there is light at the end of the tunnel! It starts with revolutionary resilience.

The post Resist with Revolutionary Resilience appeared first on Dorothea Deley.

I’ve been thinking about fire a lot lately. 

In my early 20s I lost most of my possessions in a storage unit fire.

• My childhood piano.
• The soft yellow baby blanket my grandma crocheted for me.
• The scrapbook of newspaper articles about my dad’s sports career.
• My high school awards and yearbooks and photos.
• The wooden jewelry box my dad made in high school, passed on to me when grandma died.
• All my beloved music books with scribbled notes from my piano teachers.
• Photos of my college friends and our camping trips together.
• Letters, cards and gifts from my first loves and best friends.

I was in-between apartments at the time, staying with a friend. After the fire, the only things I owned were what I had with me — a backpack, a bicycle, a motorcycle, and some clothes. 

I felt unmoored without my possessions. Not the furniture or paperbacks or dishes — those could be replaced. 

But the family heirlooms and sentimental items? The photos and mementos that gave me a history, an identity? Those were irreplaceable.

Loss Compounded

The young man who initially rented the storage unit to me was also the one who accidentally started the fire. 

I didn’t know that on the morning after the fire. We hopped in a golf cart and he drove me to the charred remains of my storage building. The air reeked of burnt wood and melted plastic.

I stepped beneath the police caution tape to sift through the ashes. Miraculously I found a few items that survived. A stainless steel milk frothing pitcher. An Italian ceramic ashtray in the shape of a grand piano, an heirloom from my great-grandmother. A pounded copper vase, its shiny surface now a rusty patina. An aluminum trunk filled with memorabilia.

I reached for the ceramic piano and a police officer hustled over. “Don’t touch anything!” he said. I wasn’t allowed to take my belongings until the fire marshal completed his investigation. 

A few days later, when they allowed us to take what was left, I searched for the ceramic  piano from my great-grandmother. It was gone. Someone had stolen it. Who would do such a thing, when I had so little left already? That hurt more than the fire itself.

I loaded the mangled trunk into my car. When I got home I opened it, excited to see what survived. And then I wept when I saw its contents — all singed beyond recognition.

Heartbreaking to Heartwarming

Although it’s been 30 years since my storage unit fire, the Los Angeles area wildfires bring it all back — the grief at the loss, the rage at the insurance company, the heartbreak at the theft.

Mostly I remember feeling adrift, my faith in humanity shaken. 

I recognize that losing my possessions is nothing compared to the LA folks who lost their homes. Who lost their entire neighborhoods. Who lost their schools, places of worship, businesses, libraries. Who lost their entire downtowns. Who lost loved ones.

It’s hard to comprehend that level of loss. 

One of my Pasadena friends watched his house catch fire on live TV. The apartment in the back where his in-laws lived burned down. They lost everything. Firefighters saved the main house, but it suffered water and smoke damage.

It’s heartbreaking. I want to find words of encouragement or comfort for my LA-area friends. 

But I know right now they’re in the thick of it. The sorrow at their loss. The stress and shock and surrealness of their situation. The derailment of their lives for months or even years as they work to remediate or rebuild or relocate.

Words are empty in the face of all that. Actions speak louder.

After my storage unit fire, friends and co-workers rallied around me. 

An envelope with $1,500 in cash appeared on my desk. Then pots and pans. High-end stereo speakers. A note from a stranger asking where they should deliver a couch. A call from a lawyer who offered to represent me pro bono. A friend who found me an apartment that came with a piano. A high school teacher who sent me the last remaining yearbook from my senior year.

Those kind actions turned one of the most devastating experiences of my life into one of the most heartwarming ones.

Those kindnesses restored my faith in humanity. 

TRAUMA TIP: Remember What’s Important 

While we won’t all experience a devastating fire (thankfully!), we can learn from those who have. What helped them survive loss is a clue for what matters most in life — not just during a tragedy, but during an ordinary day.

1) Offer Kindness

Reflecting on my fire loss all these years later, what I remember most is people’s kindness and generosity.

While friends, coworkers and even strangers couldn’t replace my belongings, they  softened my loss with their kindness. They showed me what really matters — being  there for each other.

The size of their generosity didn’t matter.

One coworker brought me a vegetable steamer — a seemingly tiny gesture. Except I love steamed vegetables! And knowing she thought of me, went through her kitchen cabinets looking for what she could spare on our minimal nonprofit wages … that meant a lot to me.

Loss can feel lonely. Kindness from others helps us feel supported.

2) Focus on Loved Ones 

A few days ago actor Milo Ventimiglia (This is Us, Heroes) returned to the charred remains of his Malibu house. 

When the wildfires tore through their neighborhood, Milo and his pregnant wife, 

Jarah Mariano, evacuated. For awhile they watched their home burn on security cameras. Finally it was too much and they shut off the cameras.

When asked what they’ll do now, Milo told CBS Evening News:

“We’ve got good friends, and we’ve got good people we’re working with. We’ll make do. Wife and baby and dog are most important.”

Milo knew what mattered most were his loved ones.

3) Be Calm & Compassionate

As the LA-area wildfires continue to burn, police officers have barricaded evacuated neighborhoods to protect residents and prevent looting. People trying to get back to their homes — or what’s left of them — must pass through checkpoints. 

Steve Romero, a Santa Monica police officer, tried to be a calming presence at his checkpoint. He answered residents’ questions as best he could. But, understandably, people were upset.

Officer Romero told The New York Times:  

“We’ve had people crying and yelling.  As long as you understand their state of mind and show them compassion, you’re able to get through it.”

When we’re in the midst of a crisis, we often react with one of the four stress responses — Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. We’re just trying to hold it together. We need people to give us a little grace during our breakdown.  

In Closing . . .  

I still have that vegetable steamer my coworker gave me. Every time I use it, I think of her and all the other people who helped me through a difficult time. 

Remembering their kindness fills my heart with gratitude — and overshadows my memories of loss.

Some of the remnants after I lost all my possessions in a storage unit fire—a letter from my deceased aunt, my dad and uncle’s football photo, my high school yearbook, and a beer stein from when I lived in Germany as a kid. People’s kindness turned a devastating experience into a heartwarming one, and I’m grateful.

The post Remember What’s Important appeared first on Dorothea Deley.

Need a holiday gift for a stressed-out loved one?

The day before Thanksgiving last week, I popped into Michael’s for some hummingbird stickers.

I overheard two women talking one aisle over from me. Judging from their voices, they were somewhere in their 50s or 60s. Their conversation went something like this:

Woman #1: “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”
Woman #2: “We’re going over to Judy’s house. She’s cooking this year.”
Woman #1: “How wonderful! Your daughter’s hosting Thanksgiving! What are you bringing?”
Woman #2: “Judy told me to bring a side dish. A side dish, can you believe it? Thinks she can cook the turkey this year. I told her I’d cook the turkey but they don’t listen to me.”
Woman #1: “I’m sure it’ll be fine. And you won’t have to clean up!”
Woman #2: “Get this. They’re brining the turkey. Have you ever heard such shit? Brining a turkey?! What even is that?”

I put my bird stickers in my basket and moved on, thinking, “Judy didn’t have to invite you, you know. I wouldn’t! You sound like a real piece of work. A ‘bitch on wheels,’ as my boyfriend’s grandma used to say.”

I giggled to myself and headed to the cashier.

Read on to hear my friends’ generous take on Woman #2 — and for my homemade chai tea recipe!

Brining Your Brain

Later, in my car, I got to thinking about Woman #2. At first pass she sounds ungrateful. (And you know how I love gratitude as a self-regulation tool!)

A few days later I told a group of friends about Woman #2. One of them said, “Family can bring out the worst in us. And holidays are all about family.”
That’s true for many of us. (Domestic violence spikes during the holidays, for example.)

For some of us, though, family can bring out the best in us. And this might be our first holiday season with a loved one, which is its own kind of worst.
The holidays can be a time of big emotions. It’s easy to get emotionally dysregulated and reactive, especially when we’re a SHIT HEAD.

Here are a few you emotions you might feel now — or anticipate feeling in the next few weeks:

• overwhelm
• stress
• resentment
• disappointment
• bittersweetness
• perfectionism
• sadness
• loneliness
• defensiveness
• gratitude
• envy
• anger

I’ll never really know what was going on in Woman #2’s life that made her so angry. But I can tell you this: IT’S NOT ABOUT THE TURKEY BRINING.

My friends threw out some possibilities for Woman #2’s attitude:

Maybe this is the first Thanksgiving she’s not hosting at her house and she feels disappointed? Maybe a bit jealous?

Maybe she took pride in her turkey and feels obsolete and unappreciated without being asked to cook it?

Maybe she expresses love through her cooking and a side dish can’t say all she feels?

Maybe she misses when her kids were little? Maybe she feels sad and lonely seeing them grow up and start their own holiday traditions different than hers?

Maybe she feels like she’s not needed anymore if all her daughter wants from her is a side dish?

Maybe she cooks turkey the way her mom taught her, and it brings her great comfort to feel connected to her mom every Thanksgiving?

As I listened to my friends’ generous (and very specific!) possible explanations for Woman #2, I felt their humanity and compassion. We never really know what is going on for another person, do we?

First Christmas without Dad

Case in point: My Dad died 13 days before Christmas two years ago.
Dad loved Christmas. He loved having the family together. He loved our traditions, the old family recipes from his childhood, the opening of gifts. He was the official family photographer, dutifully snapping pics of every single one of us opening every single gift — even the dogs!

A week after Dad’s death, I stood in a store, surrounded by Christmas decorations and music and shoppers. A display of gigantic Hershey’s chocolate bars caught my eye. Dad LOVES chocolate! Instinctively I reached for one to buy as a gift for Dad.

And then I burst into tears.

I worked my way through my shopping list in a fog. I don’t recall how I reacted to the cashier, the other customers, the Salvation Army bell-ringer. I don’t think I was rude? I definitely wasn’t myself, though.

Holidays can be hard for all kinds of reasons. It’s a strange cultural meme about how stressed out and busy we all are while preparing for the season of “peace.”

We don’t have to buy into that cultural meme, though. We can bring a little calm and peace to our own nervous systems — which is good news for us and those around us this holiday season.

Peace Begins with You

One of my favorite church-y songs goes like this:

“Let there be peace on earth,
and let it begin with me.”

Peace requires emotional regulation, which requires emotional intelligence, which requires self-awareness. You can’t think your way into peace. You feel your way into it.

Fortunately for us a psychological practice called “Interoception” can help. Don’t let that technical-sounding word scare you — it’s a simple process you’re already doing!

 Have you ever noticed a rumble in your belly and thought, “Hey, I’m hungry!” and gone into the kitchen and grabbed a snack?

 Have you ever noticed a tightness in your chest and thought, “I’m nervous!” and taken a deep breath?

 Have you ever noticed a chill in your feet and thought, “I’m cold!” and put on a sweater and socks?

That’s interoception. You noticed sensations in your body and responded. That, my friends, is how we self-regulate.

But if you’d rather have the scientific definition, here’s how Dr. Sahib S. Khalsa et al, defined interoception in their research paper published in Biological Psychiatry:

“the process by which the nervous system senses, interprets, and integrates signals originating from within the body, providing a moment-by-moment mapping of the body’s internal landscape across conscious and unconscious levels.”

Here’s the thrilling news: When we make a conscious effort to practice interoception, we get better at identifying and understanding our emotions and thoughts as they happen. Then we can decide if we want to act on them — or not.

That’s called “interoception awareness.” It helps us see the relationship between our body and mind. We learn how our experiences affect our emotions and how those emotions affect our bodily sensations (and vice versa).
When we’re able to self-regulate our emotions and reactions, we’re much more resilient during stressful situations (family holidays, anyone?).

This holiday season I have a request — for you and for myself.

Instead of letting those big emotions ruin our holidays, let’s sit our derrière in a chair and . . . interoception our way to peace!

TRAUMA TIP: Sit Your Derrière in a Chair

All three of these tips involve sitting in a comfy chair — maybe with a cozy cup of my homemade chai — while practicing interoception.

1) Prepare for Holiday Stress

Do this before an upcoming stressful holiday gathering:

• Close your eyes and bring to mind something a little sad but not overwhelming.
• Notice where in your body you feel that emotion.
• Place your hand on that part of your body in a comforting, soothing way.
• Notice any thoughts or images that accompany this bodily sensation.
• Repeat the above steps with these emotions:
  • fear
  • anger
  • joy

2) Stay Grounded for the Holidays

Do this during a stressful holiday gathering:

• Check in with your body periodically to see what sensations you’re experiencing.
• Name the emotion connected to that bodily sensation.
• Notice any thoughts or images that accompany this bodily sensation.
• Place your hand on your body where you feel the emotion/sensation and pat or rub the area reassuringly.
  • If it’s a difficult emotion/sensation, call to mind the joyful feeling/sensations you had in Tip #1.
• Inhale deeply through your nose for the count of 4, and exhale through your mouth for the count of 8.
  • When our exhales are longer than our inhales, we activate our parasympathetic nervous system, which calms us down.
• Remind yourself that self-regulation is being able to recognize and accept your emotions as they arise without acting on them.
  • This is not bypassing our feelings — we’re just checking in with ourselves before we react.
  • This helps preserve important relationships and diffuse conflict because we’re in control of our behaviors (unlike Woman #2!).

3) Take a Holiday Time-Out to Relax

Do this anytime (before/after/instead of!) a stressful gathering:

• Sit in your comfy chair with a cozy cup of my chai or your favorite tea or warm beverage.
• Listen to the “In Service of” episode of The Moth Radio Hour.
  • If you’re pressed for time, skip to the 5th story by Mary-Claire King.
• Relax and give it your full attention — no folding laundry or checking email!
• Close your eyes once during each story and notice what emotions/body sensations arise for you while listening to the storyteller’s voice.
• Name that emotion. Place your hand on that part of your body in a comforting, soothing way.
  • Notice any thoughts or images that accompany this sensation/feeling.
• Open your eyes, sip your tea, and continue listening, pausing periodically to check in again with your body’s sensations/emotions.

In Conclusion . . . Before I wrap this up, let’s take a moment to give a SHOUT OUT to Woman #1! She stayed grounded and calm while Woman #2 lost her shit over a brined turkey.

This holiday season, BE WOMAN #1!

P.S. Let me know how you like my chai recipe and The Moth Radio Hour episode.

When the weather turns chilly I love to make homemade chai tea.

Click here for my recipe. You can even make it in a crock pot!

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When we’re stressed or depressed, anxious or overwhelmed, it’s difficult to see kindness, isn’t it?

Let’s shift our focus from life’s challenges to the kindness all around us! After all, it’s good for us — and others.

“Knowing that there are people out there with the same kindness in their hearts that you like to keep in yours is a really comforting feeling.”

—Trans teen testifying to Congress

Awhile back I was driving to the UNLV campus here in Vegas. I got stuck at a light on a seedy intersection just east of The Strip.

Sitting in my car waiting for the light to change, I saw a group of teenagers huddled together on the corner. They were wearing hoodies and looked like they were up to NO GOOD.

Then a couple dressed to the nines — obviously tourists — walked by. As they passed the teens, the woman dropped her wallet without realizing it.

One of the teen boys dove for the wallet!

I rolled down my window to tell the woman when I heard the boy say, “Excuse me ma’am, you dropped your wallet.” And then he handed it to her.

What a beautiful kindness to witness! I felt my heart swell. I burst into tears. Not tears of sadness, but tears of tenderness. Tears of joy. Tears of hope in humanity.

The truth is, small kindnesses like this happen all around us all the time.

The question is, do you notice them?

Why Kindness Matters

Kindness makes us feel good physically and mentally. Sure that sounds “woo-woo,” but scientific studies show it’s true. Let’s look at the research on kindness!

When you’re kind to yourself or to others, when someone is kind to you, or when you witness someone being kind to someone else, you’ll reap the benefits below:

• Kindness enhances our happiness and wellbeing.
  • Kindness affects our brain’s hormones. It can:
    • Increase dopamine — improving our mood, attention, motivation, memory, sleep, digestion, and more.
    • Increase serotonin — improving our mood, sleep, digestion, and more. When we have too little, we experience physical and mental health issues.
    • Release endorphins — helping us feel less pain.
    • Decrease cortisol — helping us feel less stressed.
    • This happiness chemical cocktail can lower our blood pressure and reduces inflammation in our bodies, as well as reduce anxiety and depression.
  • A study conducted by two researchers at the University of Oxford found that seven days of kindness positively enhanced levels of happiness in the test subjects. This happened no matter the relationship — a friend, family member, stranger, or themselves.
  • The same study found that the more kind acts you do, the greater the boost in your happiness and wellbeing.
• Kindness helps us feel connection and belonging.
  • Kindness releases oxytocin — enhancing our feelings of connection.
• Kindness is contagious and has the power to reduce divisiveness.
  • Remember dopamine from above? It’s also is a pleasure-reward hormone. When your brain releases dopamine in response to kindness, your brain craves more kindness! When we receive or witness an act of kindness, we’re more likely to be kind to someone else — and get that dopamine hit.
  • In his 2017 book, The Five Side Effects of Kindness, David Hamilton explored the scientific research that shows kindness:
    • fosters a sense of belonging and reduces social isolation.
    • strengthens relationships — even with those we disagree with.
  • Another University of Oxford study had participants practice “befriending mindfulness” to cultivate kindness, compassion and empathy for themselves and others. Guess what? They had an easier time spotting commonalities and feeling more positive toward other people — including strangers not in their own group.

TRAUMA TIP: Look for the Kindness

You’ll need a partner for this one!

1. Think of a time you received a kindness or witnessed a kind act.
2. Share your kindness story with a friend, loved one, or colleague.
   • Notice how you feel sharing your story.
3. Ask the other person to share a story from their life about a time they received or witnessed a kind act.
   • Notice how you feel hearing your partner’s kindness story.

Just talking about a kind act makes us feel good, doesn’t it?

Observing, remembering, or doing acts of kindness reduces stress. What do you think happens when we’re less stressed?

We’re kinder, happier people!

When I lived in Colorado, my friend Lisa gave me tons of fresh chard and sunflowers from her garden. When she needed help building her cob house, of course I said yes!

The post Look for the Kindness appeared first on Dorothea Deley.

Tender asparagus in the spring. Cherries in mid-summer. Sweet corn in late summer. Apples in the fall . . . . that sort of thing.

Granted, not much grows here in the winter! But even that season has its own hallmark — when the kitchen fills with the nutty warmth of baking acorn squash or simmering butternut squash soup, I know it’s winter.

Heralding Summer’s End

Yesterday marked the end of summer for me as Mike, his mom and I drove up Lamborn Mesa to pick peaches at Double J Orchards.

After a day of rain, the orchards were muddy and the fruit dewy. Owner Jamie Jacobson handed us blue buckets and sent us on our way. He cautioned that the peaches had been picked over, but not to be discouraged.

“Go ahead and pick some of the bird-pecked peaches,” he said. “Those are the sweetest. The birds know best!”

He offered to charge us less per pound for the flawed peaches since we’d have to do a little extra work cutting off the ruined bits. Sounded like a bargain so off we went!

We found plenty of perfect peaches to choose from — most about a day or two away from being ripe enough. Thanks to Jamie’s suggestion, though, we went ahead and plucked peaches that had bird bites out of them. Some half gone, others missing just a few nibbles.

Bird-Pecked Peaches Make the Best Pie

Back home we went to work processing our harvest. Paring knife in hand, sticky sweet peach juice running down my fingers, I dissected imperfect from perfect.

Paring away, it occurred to me that had Jamie not recommended the “bird-pecked” peaches, I probably would have passed right over them. In our culture of beauty and perfection, any flaw seems like a failure of sorts, an offensive reality we’d rather not acknowledge.

Yesterday in the orchard, purposely seeking out imperfection felt liberating. My brain began filtering for signs of bird pecking on every peach I handled.  And within a short time we had picked 30 pounds of peaches—a good amount of those “imperfect.”

We packed those flawed peaches into an amazing butter crust Mike made, and a few short hours later enjoyed one of the best pies ever!

Note to Brain: Instead of focusing on eliminating imperfections, why not see them as beautiful and sweet, like a bird-pecked peach?

The post Imperfection Makes Pies (and Life!) Sweeter appeared first on Dorothea Deley.

Whenever we lost our way — which was often because we worked with TEENAGERS! — one of the members would remind us why we were there: for the kids.

While that was true for me, what was more true is I was there for the AmeriCorps members themselves. Watching them grow and mature, navigating conflict, finding humor in something a kid said to them, crying over a lost cause case, fulfilled me like you wouldn’t believe. I’m proud of the amazing people they’ve become, some parents, some teachers, some both. They are my role models now.

Before we started our year together, we had a formal swearing-in ceremony for my group and about 70 other AmeriCorps members from our community. I’d like to share the speech I gave then, because all these years later it still resonates with me. And I hope it inspires you as well, in whatever way you’ve chosen to serve your community.

Why Are You Here?

Incoming AmeriCorps members, as you embark upon your year of service to the San Luis Obispo County community, I have just one question for you:

WHY are you here?

Are you here because of your altruistic nature? Your deep desire to change children’s lives? Or your dream to save the environment?

Why are you HERE?

To build up your resume? To gain valuable work experience? Or to pay off school debt?

If I weren’t posing this question rhetorically, I bet the majority of you would list at least one of the aforementioned reasons for why you’re here. But I ask you to look deeper.

Why are YOU here?

This year you’ve agreed to work for minimum wage and do without a few comforts you might be used to. You’ve agreed to work most weekends and some evenings. You’ve agreed to work with bureaucracies that might make you consider anarchy. You’ve agreed to work with kids whose lives may make you feel terribly sad or even angry.

Why?

I dare you, no, I DOUBLE dare you to ponder the possibility that you’re here to learn about yourself, to confront your greatest fears, to embrace your special talents, to toughen your idealism and to soften your ego.

By committing to serve our community’s youth for a year, you are really making a commitment to yourself.

So please don’t take that commitment lightly. And at the same time, please don’t take yourself too seriously! Sing at the top of your lungs while riding your bike through town! Laugh at yourself when you accidentally trip on nothing! Get outside and get some fresh air and sunshine! Hike a peak in moonlight or swim naked in the ocean. Spend time with yourself, your friends and your family. I say, put on your fancy pants and DANCE!

Fun—having fun—may help you balance out those particularly challenging days. Those days when you ask yourself, “Why the hell AM I here?”

So enjoy yourself and take some time to rejuvenate, for a burned out AmeriCorps member is like a burned out light bulb—you can’t illuminate the darkness for anyone, least of all yourself.

And so that is what I wish for you today. I wish that this year brings you a balance of gut-wrenching soul searching, some fun times, and most importantly, a renewed sense of faith in humanity and in yourself.

For that is why I believe you are here. Good luck this coming year.

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One of my favorite all-time memories happened during one of those trips, not long after Mike and I got together. We were out in the ocean boogie boarding.

I was riding high on the crest of a great wave, screaming my head off. I looked to my right and there was Mike, riding the same wave, his eyes squeezed shut and a huge grin on his face.

To my left I saw my dad on his own board, zipping along expertly, laughing and loving every moment of it.

No One Boogie Boards Forever

Packing up from one of our annual beach trips years later, I noticed dad left his boogie board on the patio.

Oh no, I thought. Dad can’t forget this! I grabbed the board and ran up to the car. “Hey Dad! You almost forgot your boogie board!”

“Leave it,” he said.

“But . . . it’s the nice one,” I said. “Not the el cheapo one from Albertson’s.”

“I said leave it. I don’t want it anymore.”

Dad slammed the trunk closed and walked away from me.

And just like that, my dad was old.

Boxing, Football, Scuba Diving — You Name It, Dad Did It

A lifetime athlete, dad played football in high school and got a scholarship to play college ball. The coach wanted him to bulk up, though, and dad dutifully choked down steak and milkshakes at every meal for weeks!

He boxed and won a Golden Gloves award in his weight division. He did ROTC and joined the Army after graduation. He served a tour in Viet Nam. He was a certified ocean scuba diver and and would return from each dive with a gift for me — a conch shell with its little occupant still inside, a Japanese glass ball from a long-ago abandoned fishing net.

In our garages we always had a punching bag and a speed bag mounted to the ceiling. I found the sound of dad hitting the speed bag — “kuh-chi-chi-chi, kuh-chi-chi-chi” — strangely comforting.

Dad also jogged regularly to keep in shape, usually wearing plastic wrap around his midriff to keep his belly in check. I remember wanting so bad for him to like me — a gawky brainy wholly unathletic nerd — that I took up running. Sometimes we’d jog together around whatever military base we were stationed on at the time, my skinny little legs pumping double-time to keep up.

But somewhere in his youth dad had taken up smoking, and although it didn’t seem to affect his athletic abilities when he was younger, it eventually caught up with him.

A Devastating Diagnosis

In his 60s, dad was diagnosed with emphysema — COPD they call it. He had quit smoking by then but the damage was done.

Dad’s breathing became labored and he easily winded. Suddenly simple household chores required multiple rests. He eventually got an oxygen machine. But without the air to sustain his muscles, dad’s athletic activities stopped.

“Leave it,” dad had said. And so, on that sunny California morning, I carried the boogie board back down the stairs to the patio. Not sure what to do with it, I leaned it up against the wall with the rest of the beach paraphernalia that belonged to the house. That way, I thought, it’ll be here next year when we return and Dad can use it then!

I suppose we were all in denial about his health. But honestly, that day at the beach when dad retired his boogie board was undeniable. Dad could no longer swim, and oh how he loved the ocean.

I brushed my tears aside and got in the car. I didn’t want dad to see me crying, for him, for me. For all of humanity, really, and our fragility. For the inevitable decline of the human body and mind — even if you take great care of them.

I wanted dad to be young and athletic and healthy forever. Because if he wasn’t, who would he be without his greatest asset?

Who would I be without a strong father?

It took me a long time to finally face the truth. It was time for me to grow up. To become the strong one. A responsibility I didn’t feel equipped to handle — physically let alone emotionally.

But every child eventually must.

Life is punctuated by joys and losses. And no one escapes that, not even the strongest man I know.

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What does it mean to leave the place you’ve lived longer than anywhere else?

It means you’re leaving HOME.

But . . .

What does it mean to move back to the place where your parents and sister live, where you went to high school?

It means you’re returning HOME.

I’m a Brat (Military, That Is)

My father served in the Army for two decades. We moved every few years, from Pueblo, Colorado => Augusta, Georgia => a Marshall Island in the Pacific => Glendale, Arizona => Salt Lake City => Baumholder and Fulda in Germany => Manhattan, Kansas => Las Vegas.

As an adult, I couldn’t shake the moving bug. I attended college in Ft. Collins, Colorado, and then moved to Boulder to Denver and back to Boulder again where I met Mike. We moved to Denver together, and then San Luis Obispo and Santa Margarita in California. Then off we went to Cerro, New Mexico, and most recently to Paonia, where we’ve lived for the past eight years.

I have never lived anywhere for eight years! So of course Paonia feels like home. I was born in Pueblo, and always had an affinity for Colorado. When Mike and I left New Mexico and came back to Colorado, it truly felt like coming home. I thought I’d be here forever . . . .

But life is funny.

Healing the Past

As my parents age, I find myself wanting to spend more time with them, helping out if they need. But I won’t be able to do that if I can’t be myself around them. I want to stop living the double life of the “real me” with friends and the “watered-down version of me” for my religious folks. (If you’ve seen my show, you know what I’m talking about.)

It’s an experiment. They may decide to disown me when I come clean as a godless humanist. They may get angry when I tell them what I’ve actually been up to the last few years — touring a comedy show that deconstructs my Christian upbringing and offers a new philosophy in its place, one I hope is more inclusive and loving.

It’s time to get all cliché on you and “walk my talk.”

I am afraid, nay, terrified, this won’t go well and instead of healing our relationship it will destroy it.

But I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t at least try.

Coming Home to Come Out

Some people have likened coming out secular with coming out LGBT. I’ve met several young men who have told their religious parents they are gay, but have not yet found a way to say they no longer believe in god.

That is just how divisive religion can be in a family. We fear losing each others’ love.

To me, any belief system that suggests a parent disown her own child for philosophical differences is inherently flawed. (And yes, I include atheism here as a belief system. I’ve seen it go both ways.)

I choose to give my parents the benefit of the doubt, idealistically, perhaps.

I worry, though. Can they love me unconditionally? More importantly, can I love them unconditionally?!

I want to be around them without apologizing for or justifying my beliefs. All these years I’ve made this about them — that it’s their fault I can’t be myself because they don’t approve of my “lifestyle” and they don’t get my art and they won’t love me anymore.

But it’s not about them. It’s about me growing up and stop basing my feelings of self-worth on what they say and do. Love, after all, is allowing others to own their feelings and the consequences of their behaviors. I don’t get to decide how mom and dad should feel or react! Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best:

“Why should my happiness depend on the
thoughts going on in someone else’s head?”

Meanwhile, I need to consider what a dear friend from high school said when I told her of my plan:

“I just hope you realize that you and your parents may not heal your relationship. You have to decide if just being there is enough because you and your parents have always been so different in some things. Neither of you will suddenly change your beliefs or feeling so you will have to come to an agreement of sorts.”

I know she’s right. This tug at my heart is a bit naive. And yet, my brain tells me it’s also the next logical step in my evolution. I’ll keep you posted because I know I’m not the only one who faces this dilemma.

Best Friend by My Side

I am lucky to have a partner who supports me on this journey. A man who loves the Colorado mountains and who will, for the second time in our 22-year relationship, be leaving behind his own family for one of my crazy moves.

Mike is my best friend. He was there when I wrote my show and dredged up painful memories. He was there when I got scared and wanted to give up. He simply said, “No. You have to do this.”

And he was right.

He believed in me years before I could muster any belief in myself. Mike is my family.

• He picks me up when I fall.
• He celebrates with me when I succeed.
• He holds me when I cry.
• He dusts me off, lends me his strength, and pushes me back into the ring.
• He sees my highest potential, and never lets me forget it, especially when I’ve lost my way.
• He loves me unconditionally

The other day a friend of ours told me, “Mike is a very perceptive and sensitive man. He’s a keeper.” Indeed!

Channeling Your Inner Mike

Even if you don’t have a “Mike” in your life, you have an inner strength, an innate goodness that will give you the courage and clarity to be yourself and reach for your dreams.

It is called Love.

Rely on it. Feel it for yourself and feel it for others.

Let Love be your touchstone.

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