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The day before Thanksgiving last week, I popped into Michael’s for some hummingbird stickers.

I overheard two women talking one aisle over from me. Judging from their voices, they were somewhere in their 50s or 60s. Their conversation went something like this:

Woman #1: “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”
Woman #2: “We’re going over to Judy’s house. She’s cooking this year.”
Woman #1: “How wonderful! Your daughter’s hosting Thanksgiving! What are you bringing?”
Woman #2: “Judy told me to bring a side dish. A side dish, can you believe it? Thinks she can cook the turkey this year. I told her I’d cook the turkey but they don’t listen to me.”
Woman #1: “I’m sure it’ll be fine. And you won’t have to clean up!”
Woman #2: “Get this. They’re brining the turkey. Have you ever heard such shit? Brining a turkey?! What even is that?”

I put my bird stickers in my basket and moved on, thinking, “Judy didn’t have to invite you, you know. I wouldn’t! You sound like a real piece of work. A ‘bitch on wheels,’ as my boyfriend’s grandma used to say.”

I giggled to myself and headed to the cashier.

Read on to hear my friends’ generous take on Woman #2 — and for my homemade chai tea recipe!

Brining Your Brain

Later, in my car, I got to thinking about Woman #2. At first pass she sounds ungrateful. (And you know how I love gratitude as a self-regulation tool!)

A few days later I told a group of friends about Woman #2. One of them said, “Family can bring out the worst in us. And holidays are all about family.”
That’s true for many of us. (Domestic violence spikes during the holidays, for example.)

For some of us, though, family can bring out the best in us. And this might be our first holiday season with a loved one, which is its own kind of worst.
The holidays can be a time of big emotions. It’s easy to get emotionally dysregulated and reactive, especially when we’re a SHIT HEAD.

Here are a few you emotions you might feel now — or anticipate feeling in the next few weeks:

• overwhelm
• stress
• resentment
• disappointment
• bittersweetness
• perfectionism
• sadness
• loneliness
• defensiveness
• gratitude
• envy
• anger

I’ll never really know what was going on in Woman #2’s life that made her so angry. But I can tell you this: IT’S NOT ABOUT THE TURKEY BRINING.

My friends threw out some possibilities for Woman #2’s attitude:

Maybe this is the first Thanksgiving she’s not hosting at her house and she feels disappointed? Maybe a bit jealous?

Maybe she took pride in her turkey and feels obsolete and unappreciated without being asked to cook it?

Maybe she expresses love through her cooking and a side dish can’t say all she feels?

Maybe she misses when her kids were little? Maybe she feels sad and lonely seeing them grow up and start their own holiday traditions different than hers?

Maybe she feels like she’s not needed anymore if all her daughter wants from her is a side dish?

Maybe she cooks turkey the way her mom taught her, and it brings her great comfort to feel connected to her mom every Thanksgiving?

As I listened to my friends’ generous (and very specific!) possible explanations for Woman #2, I felt their humanity and compassion. We never really know what is going on for another person, do we?

First Christmas without Dad

Case in point: My Dad died 13 days before Christmas two years ago.
Dad loved Christmas. He loved having the family together. He loved our traditions, the old family recipes from his childhood, the opening of gifts. He was the official family photographer, dutifully snapping pics of every single one of us opening every single gift — even the dogs!

A week after Dad’s death, I stood in a store, surrounded by Christmas decorations and music and shoppers. A display of gigantic Hershey’s chocolate bars caught my eye. Dad LOVES chocolate! Instinctively I reached for one to buy as a gift for Dad.

And then I burst into tears.

I worked my way through my shopping list in a fog. I don’t recall how I reacted to the cashier, the other customers, the Salvation Army bell-ringer. I don’t think I was rude? I definitely wasn’t myself, though.

Holidays can be hard for all kinds of reasons. It’s a strange cultural meme about how stressed out and busy we all are while preparing for the season of “peace.”

We don’t have to buy into that cultural meme, though. We can bring a little calm and peace to our own nervous systems — which is good news for us and those around us this holiday season.

Peace Begins with You

One of my favorite church-y songs goes like this:

“Let there be peace on earth,
and let it begin with me.”

Peace requires emotional regulation, which requires emotional intelligence, which requires self-awareness. You can’t think your way into peace. You feel your way into it.

Fortunately for us a psychological practice called “Interoception” can help. Don’t let that technical-sounding word scare you — it’s a simple process you’re already doing!

➡️  Have you ever noticed a rumble in your belly and thought, “Hey, I’m hungry!” and gone into the kitchen and grabbed a snack?

➡️  Have you ever noticed a tightness in your chest and thought, “I’m nervous!” and taken a deep breath?

➡️  Have you ever noticed a chill in your feet and thought, “I’m cold!” and put on a sweater and socks?

That’s interoception. You noticed sensations in your body and responded. That, my friends, is how we self-regulate.

But if you’d rather have the scientific definition, here’s how Dr. Sahib S. Khalsa et al, defined interoception in their research paper published in Biological Psychiatry:

“the process by which the nervous system senses, interprets, and integrates signals originating from within the body, providing a moment-by-moment mapping of the body’s internal landscape across conscious and unconscious levels.”

Here’s the thrilling news: When we make a conscious effort to practice interoception, we get better at identifying and understanding our emotions and thoughts as they happen. Then we can decide if we want to act on them — or not.

That’s called “interoception awareness.” It helps us see the relationship between our body and mind. We learn how our experiences affect our emotions and how those emotions affect our bodily sensations (and vice versa).
When we’re able to self-regulate our emotions and reactions, we’re much more resilient during stressful situations (family holidays, anyone?).

This holiday season I have a request — for you and for myself.

Instead of letting those big emotions ruin our holidays, let’s sit our derrière in a chair and . . . interoception our way to peace!

TRAUMA TIP: Sit Your Derrière in a Chair

All three of these tips involve sitting in a comfy chair — maybe with a cozy cup of my homemade chai — while practicing interoception.

1) Prepare for Holiday Stress

Do this before an upcoming stressful holiday gathering:

• Close your eyes and bring to mind something a little sad but not overwhelming.
• Notice where in your body you feel that emotion.
• Place your hand on that part of your body in a comforting, soothing way.
• Notice any thoughts or images that accompany this bodily sensation.
• Repeat the above steps with these emotions:
  • fear
  • anger
  • joy

2) Stay Grounded for the Holidays

Do this during a stressful holiday gathering:

• Check in with your body periodically to see what sensations you’re experiencing.
• Name the emotion connected to that bodily sensation.
• Notice any thoughts or images that accompany this bodily sensation.
• Place your hand on your body where you feel the emotion/sensation and pat or rub the area reassuringly.
  • If it’s a difficult emotion/sensation, call to mind the joyful feeling/sensations you had in Tip #1.
• Inhale deeply through your nose for the count of 4, and exhale through your mouth for the count of 8.
  • When our exhales are longer than our inhales, we activate our parasympathetic nervous system, which calms us down.
• Remind yourself that self-regulation is being able to recognize and accept your emotions as they arise without acting on them.
  • This is not bypassing our feelings — we’re just checking in with ourselves before we react.
  • This helps preserve important relationships and diffuse conflict because we’re in control of our behaviors (unlike Woman #2!).

3) Take a Holiday Time-Out to Relax

Do this anytime (before/after/instead of!) a stressful gathering:

• Sit in your comfy chair with a cozy cup of my chai or your favorite tea or warm beverage.
• Listen to the “In Service of” episode of The Moth Radio Hour.
  • If you’re pressed for time, skip to the 5th story by Mary-Claire King.
• Relax and give it your full attention — no folding laundry or checking email!
• Close your eyes once during each story and notice what emotions/body sensations arise for you while listening to the storyteller’s voice.
• Name that emotion. Place your hand on that part of your body in a comforting, soothing way.
  • Notice any thoughts or images that accompany this sensation/feeling.
• Open your eyes, sip your tea, and continue listening, pausing periodically to check in again with your body’s sensations/emotions.

In Conclusion . . . Before I wrap this up, let’s take a moment to give a SHOUT OUT to Woman #1! She stayed grounded and calm while Woman #2 lost her shit over a brined turkey.

This holiday season, BE WOMAN #1!

P.S. Let me know how you like my chai recipe and The Moth Radio Hour episode. 😘

When the weather turns chilly I love to make homemade chai tea.

Click here for my recipe. You can even make it in a crock pot!